Socks and Underwear

Today I bought some new underwear. I think it was the highlight of my day, even though it's only 11am. The thing about underwear is that you can wear them until they're pretty much falling apart. You can do this because no one sees your underwear except for you and your mate. And if your mate is anything like mine, you could be wearing granny panties or a g-string and he wouldn't notice either way.

I used to go the La Senza sale at the warehouse with my sister, where underwear went for $1 EACH. We would stock up for the year and then go through them the following year, throwing out any old or stained pairs. Unfortunately, La Senza seems to have realized their sales were too good and stopped having them.

So it became difficult to decide when to buy new underwear. The last time I bought new underwear was after Jr was born because my teeny tiny thongs just wouldn't work with my post-pregnancy body. Those underwear have started to look a little gungy so I decide to "splurge" and buy new ones. I say "splurge" because a part of me feels like buying underwear is like buying pajamas. Really you can wear an old t-shirt to bed, you don't need silky two pieces or shirts with cute cupcakes on them. It's not a necessary purchase.

Wow. I can't believe I just spent three paragraphs discussing underwear. This is what you get when you write a blog post when you don't really feel like writing one. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw a la Sex and the City:

"Last night, I actually started writing about my sock drawer. Men as socks. "Socks and the City."

This blog post "socks".

Feel the Tension

I can't believe we're already August 14th. I guess I'm a little more shocked at the date than I normally would be since we've decided to list our house in September. I know it isn't written in stone but nevertheless I feel pretty overwhelmed. But even if I had until next year, I would still let things go until the last minute. I just kept thinking, we have lots of time, no need to rush. Well, it's time to get started.

I don't consider myself a slob but having a clean house with a toddler and having a clean house for showing to potential buyers is completely different. So on top of painting and filling holes in the walls and ceilings (don't ask) and removing concrete pieces from the back yard (really don't ask), I also need to purge every room in the house. The mud room (what we call our un-insolated room, which looked as though it was going to be a garage but they didn't have the space) is the worst. With all the rnos we've been doing it's not only filled with sawdust but full of paint cans and tools, not to mention all of our regular mud room stuff like the cushions for outside, the hedge trimmers, snow shovels, etc.

But I think the biggest pain in the butt is selling our piano. It makes me sad but after thinking about it for a few days, I realized it was the best thing to do right now. I don't play anymore except when Jr wants to tinkle on the keys. We'll get another piano but probably an upright or something similar. I'm hoping that the time will come around again when I can play and I know Jr and her future sibling(s) will take lessons. Anyhow, that means finding a buyer and finding someone who will pay at least half if not more of what we paid. Ugh. We're waiting to hear back from our tuner.

And then there's our pear trees in the back yard, which appear to be dying. One of them is worse than the other -- some branches are completely bare while others have dead leaves. I've called the city and they're going to send someone to look at them and hopefully give me some good news, like it's just because it was such a hot, dry summer. I really don't want to hear a) they're dying or b) trim off all the dead stuff. It will be a major turnoff for buyers if they see two dead trees out back or if they see two butchered trees out back.

Meanwhile Jr seems to have caught a cold or something from her cousin Little Mister. At least I think that's where it came from since he had a snotty nose on Sunday. I'm glad Jr's getting her germs from somewhere (gotta build up that immunity somehow!) but it's still not fun when she's under the weather, especially since she's so attached to her suess, which requires breathing through her nose and the same for her frog, which she loves to sniff like a coke addict. I'm not looking forward to this afternoon when I have a meeting at my dad's office with a fellow broker of his. Dad said he would watch Jr while we had our powwow but watching extra-cranky-Jr is no mean feat.

Can you feel the tension??

Oh, Dad.

I just heard a great message on my voice mail.

Hubby recorded the welcome message for our voice mail and he did it in both languages, French and English. This way people know we're bilingual and can leave a message in whichever language they wish. My dad, even though his French is more of a "I-can-get-by" kind of French, will always leave a little bit of his message in French. This time, though, he went all out:

Bonjooor!!!! C'est ton père, uhhh... grandpère....belle-père..no wait..beau-père!!

He then proceeds to leave the most detailed description of when he called and how to reach him (even though I know his cell number by heart):

Melissa, this message is for you. If you could please call me back. It's 1:20pm on...uh...Thursday. 7**-7***!!!

By this time I know he's subconsciously slipped into his real estate agent mode because he sounds almost like a television commercial.

By the time the message finished I was walking around restlessly waiting for him to finish so I could hang up and call him back. It reminded me of when we were younger and he would ask us kids to get something and then give us the most in-depth directions ever.

Go into the house. Go into my office. Go into the drawer. The middle drawer, not the top one and not the bottom one. The middle drawer. Open it. When you open it, look on the LEFT. Don't look on the right because it's just paper clips and that's not what you want. Look on the left. The paper I need is underneath the stapler. Move the stapler. It should be right there. So. Go into the house... repeat.

I was making fun of my sister the other day for doing it to my niece but she said she kind of understands why our dad did it: because kids have an attention span that lasts about as long as a bubble. You need to be clear and you need to be specific. 

On a happy note, I went last night for a full body massage and this time around, I really enjoyed myself. I was more comfortable since I had been to this massage therapist before and since my dad sent her my blog post about my first visit! Thankfully she wasn't offended or anything but actually thanked me for reminding her what it's like to be the client. I was a lot less consumed with what she must be thinking about my body. I also talked to her, which I didn't do the first time because I didn't think I'd want that. I don't like talking while getting my hair done or when getting manicures so I figured it would be the same. But I actually enjoyed our conversation. So hurray for me!

Toys, Oh Toys

I always wondered how some moms could go crazy buying stuff for their kids. If you're in such a spending mood why not shower some love on yourself too? Why does it have to be just for them? Maybe this speaks to my more selfish side?

But today I went to Toys R Us and had an experience similar to what I imagine those moms have regularly. I swear I went there just to see if they had plastic dishes for Jr. I looked at Walmart with no success so I decided to see what Toys R Us had to offer. I promised myself I wouldn't spend a ridiculous amount on plastic dishes.

Then I saw a little pop up toy that Jr's friend Little Monster has at her house. Jr loves this toy. She can't get enough of pushing the animals back inside and getting someone to pop them up for her. I had found something similar at Walmart but for a ridiculous $20. I found one at TRU for $10. I couldn't help myself.

Then I saw they were having a sale on Sesame Street toys. Jr loves Sesame Street. We already bought Hooper's Store attached to an apartment building and Oscar's dump truck with Oscar, Cookie Monster and Elmo figurines at a sale at Zeller's. This time they had the Count driving a school bus with another Elmo figurine. I think out of all my purchases, this was the most unnecessary (if you can call any of the other purchases necessary!)

Finally, though, I found a 22 plastic dish set for a mere $10. I mostly bought them so she could play with them outside with water, something she does at my parents'. I'm always amazed how long it can keep her attention -- although you have to keep the water coming.

Here's the kicker: I sincerely enjoyed shopping for and buying these items. I thought about how happy they would make her (even if for only a short while). I loved walking up and down the aisles of TRU looking at all of the toys and mentally picking out what I thought she would like.

Why, though? Did I not get enough toys as a child? Am I overcompensating with Jr? Do I falsely equate giving her toys with giving her my love?

I don't think it's any of those things.

I think it's simply the fact that I love seeing Jr's face light up. I love making her happy and squeal with delight. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So long as I remind myself that it is simply impossible for Jr to be happy 24/7 and that no amount of toys or food can change that. That sometimes, it's good for her to be bored, or sad, or upset, or disappointed or discouraged.

Comparison Is the Thief of Joy

I haven't written in a couple of days, I know. Wednesday we visited Little Monster and left the house by 10am. Yesterday we had play group (finally!) and we left at a quarter to 9. Simply no time to blog! True, I do have time at night once Jr is in bed but I find the morning to be the best writing time.

I've been thinking about jealousy lately. I just don't understand it. The Bible actually has quite a lot to say about jealousy and envy.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. - James 3:16

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.- Proverbs 14:30

 Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. - Song of Solomon 8:6

 Bottom line, jealousy is not good. But we all know that. It's an unpleasant feeling at best and at worst it can tear you up inside -- or as the author of Proverbs put it, make your bones rot.

My feeling is that jealousy is not a sin in and of itself. How can it be a sin when it can catch you completely off guard? It appears almost out of nowhere and slithers into your mind while its tentacles wrap themselves around your heart, squeezing.

No, feeling envious is not a sin. But, like anger, when you act out of jealousy, when you live your life according to these envious thoughts, that's when you're in trouble. Or when you revel in someone else's jealous of you. Time to be concerned.

I think the most troubling part is feeling jealous when you really don't have anything to be jealous about. What I mean is, my life is good. On paper it looks pretty darn close to perfect: married, child, house, two cars, university degree, friends, family... I could go on. So why...?

But I guess it doesn't matter why if it's a natural human response. The question becomes how do you deal with it? I did a little research online and many Christian sites have essentially said, "You're not happy with what God has given you. Be like Jesus." I find this so trite. It's too easy to say and doesn't give good, concrete examples of what being like Jesus would look like in the 21st century.

I did find some good tips elsewhere that while not coming from a Christian website, give clear instructions how to be like Jesus with regards to jealousy:

1. Stop worrying about you all the time: you are not the center of the universe. There are people who are in need of your help, whether physically or emotionally. If you stop putting the focus on yourself all the time, you'll find there is no room for comparison and thus envy. Be a blessing to other people and you will be blessed.
2.  Stop wanting what other people have if you're not willing to go through what they did to get it: I really liked this one. It reminded me of a quote from the movie Friends With Benefits: "Hey, everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book is very simple. You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You wanna make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You wanna be happy? Find someone you like and never let him go."
3.  Start focusing on all that's positive in your life: the actual way to do this is by stopping a jealous thought in its tracks and rewiring your thought process. I learned to do this when I would start worrying. It's so easy to start worrying about one little thing and eventually turning it into a monstrous, overwhelming fear. Same goes for jealousy. You start off by thinking, Wow, their house is so nice, and before you know it you're picking out every possible thing that's wrong with your house to the point that you now might as well live in a cardboard box. Instead, once you get that first thought in your head, either think about something else or put a positive spin on it.

So it's a nice little list of what to do and what not to do. Actually putting it into practice is another matter entirely. Good luck!

God Loves Me Just the Same

We are not the roles we play, and women are being done a great social disservice by our relentless perpetuation of the current mothering narrative.

We are all individuals with such complex sets of traits, talents, skills, and emotions that we cannot possibly be summed up in words, let alone labels.

And yet we use labels everyday to categorize ourselves and each other (he’s a doctor, she’s a writer, Joe’s a plumber) .

“And what do you do Sarah?”
“Oh, I’m a stay-at-home Mom.”

And there it is, an entire person summed up in a sentence.

- Sean Sutton from We Are Individuals -- And We Happen to Parent

When hubby needed to travel all over Ontario for his job right after we got married, we decided to go together. We had both just graduated from university, I didn't have a job lined up and we were living rent-free in my in-law's apartment building (thank you FIL and MIL!). So we packed two massive suitcases and lived in various hotel rooms for the next 6 months or so.

What did I do? I was taking correspondence courses with St. Francis Xavier University in Nova Scotia to earn a Diploma in Lay Ministry. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), after taking a full course load at McGill for the past 3 years, the workload for this particular diploma did not fill up much of my days. So I explored the city or town wherever we were. I had earned my license a few weeks after we got married and really learned how to drive (and get lost) in downtown Toronto. I (halfheartedly) went to the gym in the hotel. But mostly I watched DVDs in the hotel room.

I wasn't very happy. Everyday I asked myself whether I shouldn't just return to Montreal and get a job and see hubby on the weekends. What was I doing?? Who was I if I wasn't going to school or working? I realized that my identity (the identity I gave myself) was strictly tied to whatever I was doing. And if I didn't have anything in particular to do...if I was doing nothing... well then logically, I was nothing.

Dark, dark times.

But then (I don't even remember how or why) I found a women's faith sharing group at the University of Toronto. Once a week I would drive downtown to meet with a group of women students and teachers of the university, and discuss Scripture and pray and we would pour out our hearts to each other. I don't think there was one time when one of us wouldn't cry.

I think this is when my relationship with God started to seriously flourish. I started doing devotions every day. I would write in my journal as usual but instead of lamenting my situation, I would write down my prayers and study Bible passages. These women -- the grace of God, really -- saved me.

I am a child of God and as such, God loves me. Not because I have a Masters degree or because I own a home or even because I go to church and give to charities. He loves me simply for me, in this moment, doing nothing. If I never did another thing in my life, I would still be loved. God doesn't see me as Melissa the *insert job here*. He sees my soul, the essence of my being, the good that he created and that is what he loves.

It's this truth that I struggle to remember as a mom. Often times I do feel defined by being a SAHM. It sometimes does feel that when I tell people I stay at home with Jr there's a sort of let-down. Like, "That's it?" or an awkward "Oh... that's nice." There's that nagging feeling like I should be "doing it all": going to work, being a mother, being a wife, being superwoman. And not just doing them but excelling at them. I have to be CEO, the best cook, the best baker, have the cleanest house, have sex with my husband everyday... The crazy thing is, no one has ever said these things to me directly. It's mostly just me expecting too much out of me.

I am also aware that I have changed since becoming a mom. Things that were important are no longer important, things that I used to enjoy are no longer as easy to do before. Some things don't bother me much, like not writing in my journal as often. Other things make me sad, like not playing the piano anymore. And some I am happy to let go, like keeping my house as clean as the inside of a Purell bottle. I am caught up in being a mother.

Yet I think the fact that I'm having this conversation with myself is proof enough that motherhood hasn't absolutely consumed me. I recognize that these early years are so important for Jr and I want to be sure to give her a solid, loving foundation to grow on. For now, "Mom" is the first hat I put on in the morning and that's okay. Regardless, God loves me just the same.

 

A Rambling Post

It was pointed out to me that in my last blog entry I wrote that my uncle always "makes out here" rather than always makes IT out here to visit. Missy's Musings apologizes for the error. I mean, I'm sure it's possible my uncle makes out with my aunt every time he comes out here but I don't know that for a fact. And it's not what I meant.

Hubby and I passed by the house we're interested in and from the outside, things look good. The driveway needs to be paved and we need to put up a fence in the backyard, but the neighborhood is very nice and the house is within walking distance from the village/main street. Our agent is out camping somewhere so we're waiting until his return to schedule a visit. My only concern (besides the ugly bathroom cupboards) is that there are no photos of the basement. You always gotta ask yourself: why are there no photos of said room? Is it hideous? Are the carpets shag? Or is it just because that's where they're storing all their stuff so the agent could take photos? I guess we'll wait and see. I'm trying not to get too excited but I am looking forward to visiting the house.

I don't know what I did to my neck but by the time I got home yesterday from my parents' house I had a terrible headache and a very sore neck. And then for some reason Jr didn't want to go to sleep. It started out with her babbling in her crib but soon became crying that got louder and louder. We were surprised because normally after swimming in my parents' pool she's pretty tuckered out. Anyhow, by the time she fell asleep it was 9pm. She woke up again in the night (I can't remember what time) and then once and for all at 6am. She must have slept terribly because she was in a bad mood, screaming bloody murder the entire time hubby changed her diaper and she refused to eat her breakfast. She seems to be okay now so I pray it stays this way for the rest of the day.

I can't believe it's going to be August this week. The summer is flying by and we still haven't gone to Granby Zoo. We've been meaning to go since June but there's always been something or somewhere else to go. We're going to make it there...one day.