God Loves Me Just the Same

We are not the roles we play, and women are being done a great social disservice by our relentless perpetuation of the current mothering narrative.

We are all individuals with such complex sets of traits, talents, skills, and emotions that we cannot possibly be summed up in words, let alone labels.

And yet we use labels everyday to categorize ourselves and each other (he’s a doctor, she’s a writer, Joe’s a plumber) .

“And what do you do Sarah?”
“Oh, I’m a stay-at-home Mom.”

And there it is, an entire person summed up in a sentence.

- Sean Sutton from We Are Individuals -- And We Happen to Parent

When hubby needed to travel all over Ontario for his job right after we got married, we decided to go together. We had both just graduated from university, I didn't have a job lined up and we were living rent-free in my in-law's apartment building (thank you FIL and MIL!). So we packed two massive suitcases and lived in various hotel rooms for the next 6 months or so.

What did I do? I was taking correspondence courses with St. Francis Xavier University in Nova Scotia to earn a Diploma in Lay Ministry. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), after taking a full course load at McGill for the past 3 years, the workload for this particular diploma did not fill up much of my days. So I explored the city or town wherever we were. I had earned my license a few weeks after we got married and really learned how to drive (and get lost) in downtown Toronto. I (halfheartedly) went to the gym in the hotel. But mostly I watched DVDs in the hotel room.

I wasn't very happy. Everyday I asked myself whether I shouldn't just return to Montreal and get a job and see hubby on the weekends. What was I doing?? Who was I if I wasn't going to school or working? I realized that my identity (the identity I gave myself) was strictly tied to whatever I was doing. And if I didn't have anything in particular to do...if I was doing nothing... well then logically, I was nothing.

Dark, dark times.

But then (I don't even remember how or why) I found a women's faith sharing group at the University of Toronto. Once a week I would drive downtown to meet with a group of women students and teachers of the university, and discuss Scripture and pray and we would pour out our hearts to each other. I don't think there was one time when one of us wouldn't cry.

I think this is when my relationship with God started to seriously flourish. I started doing devotions every day. I would write in my journal as usual but instead of lamenting my situation, I would write down my prayers and study Bible passages. These women -- the grace of God, really -- saved me.

I am a child of God and as such, God loves me. Not because I have a Masters degree or because I own a home or even because I go to church and give to charities. He loves me simply for me, in this moment, doing nothing. If I never did another thing in my life, I would still be loved. God doesn't see me as Melissa the *insert job here*. He sees my soul, the essence of my being, the good that he created and that is what he loves.

It's this truth that I struggle to remember as a mom. Often times I do feel defined by being a SAHM. It sometimes does feel that when I tell people I stay at home with Jr there's a sort of let-down. Like, "That's it?" or an awkward "Oh... that's nice." There's that nagging feeling like I should be "doing it all": going to work, being a mother, being a wife, being superwoman. And not just doing them but excelling at them. I have to be CEO, the best cook, the best baker, have the cleanest house, have sex with my husband everyday... The crazy thing is, no one has ever said these things to me directly. It's mostly just me expecting too much out of me.

I am also aware that I have changed since becoming a mom. Things that were important are no longer important, things that I used to enjoy are no longer as easy to do before. Some things don't bother me much, like not writing in my journal as often. Other things make me sad, like not playing the piano anymore. And some I am happy to let go, like keeping my house as clean as the inside of a Purell bottle. I am caught up in being a mother.

Yet I think the fact that I'm having this conversation with myself is proof enough that motherhood hasn't absolutely consumed me. I recognize that these early years are so important for Jr and I want to be sure to give her a solid, loving foundation to grow on. For now, "Mom" is the first hat I put on in the morning and that's okay. Regardless, God loves me just the same.