Mom Introspection

My mom once wrote to me that she felt so blessed that God had chosen her to be my mother. It's something that stuck with me and something I often think about now that I am a mother myself.

You may recall that hubby and I had difficulty conceiving Jr. We eventually went to see a fertility specialist who discovered I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which meant I would have to take medication in order to get pregnant. So I did and then there was Jr.

Jr's Godmother made me a special picture frame of her ultrasound photo with the quote "Faith in God includes faith in his timing". And how!

I like to think that God was creating someone extra special for hubby and I, which is why it took a bit longer than we had hoped.

But when Jr cried for almost the entire night she was born, I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into. When she woke up 10 times a night until she was 8 months old,  I was convinced God had made a mistake. We weren't the right parents for this child. I wasn't capable. I wasn't worthy.

With God's grace we made it through those tough times and my mom has often reminded me that Jr is with me for a reason, that I was chosen to be her mother because I am capable and I am worthy.

Now that we're all sleeping through the night and napping during the day, those doubts I had don't often resurface. When they do, it's because Jr never lost her unique personality. She is, shall we say, a spirited soul. Easily overwhelmed (even for a toddler), she can be smiling one minute and losing it the next. Sometimes she can play nicely with other kids (play alongside them, really, because at this age they don't actually play together) and sometimes she will hit anyone who comes near her and scream at them.

Jr is also a princess. When she was but a twinkle in her Papa's eye, my mom said we should call our daughter Amira, which means 'princess' in Arabic. We already had our names picked out but in retrospect Amira would have fit her perfectly. Is it because she knows how delicate and sweet she looks, with her pouty lips and blue eyes surrounded by dark lashes? Or is she like her mama, and expects to be treated like royalty by her Papa? (Yes, I do expected to be treated like a queen by my hubby because I have always been treated as such since our first date.)

I believe it's for this reason she is behind other toddlers her age with respect to crawling and walking. I try not to let it bother me. I tell myself she'll walk when she walks and she'll talk when she talks. But it's hard not to compare when her cousin and playmates are already running and can say "dog" and "moo" on command. But as a princess, she knows someone will carry her everywhere and you can just see it in her face that she has absolutely no desire to repeat words just to make you happy.  I've never heard her say "mama", although my mom has told me Jr has said it while I wasn't there. She'll whisper "papa" sometimes when he's not there... "pa-pa...pa-pa..." as though she's wishing for him to magically appear. But that's about it.

Kids are really an enigma. At least mine is to me. How is it she is the way she is? Which parts of me and hubby did she take? Which are completely her own? How do I interact with this incredible human being, whom I'm in awe of... kind of like God-awe...I'm marveling and watching her in wonderment but I'm also a little afraid... I'm supposed to raise this person? Instill values? Make sure she eats fruits and vegetables? Goes to bed at a decent hour? Wha...??? And then -- wow... she put the cap on her sippy cup all by herself! She can point to her nose when you ask her where her nose is! (Well, she sticks her finger UP her nose but she's still right.) She's hugging me! And then the awe again... she needs me. Whoa.

I know she's mine for a reason. I know God has some master plan for the two of us. I just pray he molds me into the mom he knows me to be so that I can help mold Jr into the person he knows she will be.