Newborns: Not All Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Both Moxie and Mommyhood had posts the other day about how hard newborn babies can be. Moxie asked why people tend to sugarcoat the reality of a newborn and Mommyhood referred to another blogger who posted about losing your temper with your newborn. So for what's it worth, I'd thought I'd give my two cents.

First off, newborns were designed to suck you in. They're completely helpless and adorable (most of them) -- everything in miniature! They're just amazing creatures to hold and watch. And if they're not yours, even better! You can enjoy the miracle that is baby and then hand it back when it's time to go home.

That being said, these creatures demand 110% from you. They want everything and they want it yesterday. They literally suck the life out of you (I always had a glass of water with me when I breastfed because if I didn't, by the end of the session I was dying of thirst). They don't care that you've only gotten 2 hours of sleep. They don't care if you've taken a shower or even had breakfast. They don't giggle, they don't hug you or kiss you and they certainly don't say 'please' and 'thank you' . There's a few smiles but right when you bask in its gloriousness, they have a poop-splosion in their diaper (or everywhere besides in their diaper).

I believe Jr was a bit colicky or perhaps suffered from reflux (even now she has these wet burps that I'm sure are vurps. She just swallows whatever comes up instead of spitting up). She cried a lot. When she wasn't crying she was fussy. She didn't sleep well. She needed to eat every 2 hours without fail. 

As a first-time mom, I was beside myself. I cried a lot. I was completely sleep deprived. Ask any mom about waking up in a panic in her bed because she remembers getting up to nurse but can't remember doing it or putting the baby back in the crib. A few times I remember frantically searching for Jr on my chest and then in our bed only to fully wake up and realize she was in her crib and I had come back to bed.

So suffice to say it was only a matter of time before I lost it. There are two occasions that stand out. The first time hubby was holding her in his arms. I had tried unsuccessfully to get her to stop crying and I was at my limit. Instead of walking away I became more and more agitated until I yelled, "Just SHUT. UP!!!!!" Hubby looked at me like I was crazy/dangerous. I'm sure that's how I looked. It stands out because the look on hubby's face is seared into my memory. He was afraid of me. 

The second time was when hubby had gone back to work. Jr was at least 3 weeks old. Again, she wouldn't stop crying. I desperately wanted her to take a nap but she wouldn't sleep and she wouldn't stop screaming. Finally, I put her down  on our bed, stepped back, clenched my fists and yelled, "ARGHHH!!!!!!!" For a split second, Jr stopped crying and her eyes widened like saucers. Then she really started screaming. I had scared the living daylights out of my daughter. I'll never forget her eyes. 

I don't think I'm a bad mom. I think sleep deprivation and the demands of a newborn break you down into your most animal self. It's purely survival mode. Yeah, I lost it on my newborn. Am I proud? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed? Yes. Does it mean I didn't love her? Of course not. 

This is a reality for many moms, probably mostly first-time moms. I don't think we should sugarcoat what it was really like. It sends the wrong message to moms-to-be. I don't want anyone I know thinking of having kids to live inside some newborn bubble. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, time heals most wounds. You forget how tired you really were and how very hard it was. Or you hope/pray that the next one will be easier. Or you think you'll do some things differently.

In any case, losing your temper with your newborn is normal. It's what you do with that anger that matters. Put the baby in a safe place and walk away. Ask for help. Take care of yourself as much as possible.

Just my two cents.