On Edge

If you've been reading my blog from the start, you'll know that I've suffered from depression and that I get easily stressed and anxious. I've gotten a lot better, mind you, but it's still something I deal with. I know my period has a lot to do with it and I try to keep a level head when I'm feeling overwhelmed during "that time of the month". Just the same, it's one thing knowing in my brain that I'll probably feel better tomorrow and quite another to get the rest of my body to believe it.

Last night was one of my more difficult times. These hard times often happen at night, which makes sense given the lack of sunshine and the feeling that the day is over and you can't get it back. However, I have had bad days, too, although now that I have Jr they are fewer and farther in between.

I just felt sad. Anxious. Overwhelmed. I thought about the brunch Jr and I had with a friend and I felt bad that we didn't get to talk very much because Jr was fussy and we spent most of the time trying to keep her happy. I thought about the laundry I was "supposed" to do but didn't. I thought about the Meli-Melo (nuts and bolts) I ate before bed and chastised myself. I thought about what a wonderful time hubby and I had this past weekend and mourned its passing (there's not much time in the daily grind to be so utterly romantic). 

As these thoughts coursed through my mind I attempted to stop them in their tracks. I can't necessarily stop these thoughts and feelings from appearing but I can stop them from going overboard and getting so loud in my head that I can't see the bigger picture.

What do I want? I asked myself. What will make me feel better? I knew that I needed a hug and some comforting words from hubby, who was downstairs playing his game. So I waited until he came upstairs and when we were both laying in bed, I tried to explain how I was feeling. He said, You have no reason to be sad. He didn't say it unkindly but I'm sure most of the women reading this blog will understand that this response was a big no-no. I was about to blow a gasket but instead I took a breath and said, I know you're trying to help but that's not what I need to hear right now. 

To make a long story short, nothing hubby said quite hit the mark and I told him I was just going to go to bed and would no doubt feel better in the morning (which is usually true but not before I shed a few silent tears before falling asleep while hubby saws logs next to me within 5 minutes of closing his eyes).

I know he wanted to help and I know he felt bad for not finding the right words. For my part, I felt guilty for acting so illogically and being unable to tell him exactly what I needed.

I hate, hate, HATE that I am such an emotional being sometimes and that it's often linked to my period. I know that God made women the way they are for a reason and men the way they are for a reason but sometimes I wish we could be on the same page. Either men being more in tune and understanding of emotions and how it's often difficult to control them or women being less emotional and more logical (for lack of a better word).

I feel much better this morning but there's still an "edge" to my thoughts and feelings. It's times like these when there's really nothing to do but pray.