To Boob or Not to Boob

      This morning I read on The Stir about a woman who wrote in anonymously to say that she has a two month old girl and from the moment she was pregnant, decided she didn't want to breastfeed because "feeding a baby from [her] boobs grossed [her] out". She said that people made her feel so guilty about it that she decided to lie about why she isn't breastfeeding. I skimmed through some of the comments and predictably, most of the women said it was a shame she didn't even give it a try and others that if breastfeeding grossed her out maybe she shouldn't be having babies(!).

     When I was pregnant I decided I would breastfeed. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that my sister-in-law and my sisters all breastfed. It was just the natural thing to do. I was also convinced by the arguments that it's cheaper than formula, always readily available and you don't need to clean a bottle afterward. It's particularly convenient in the middle of the night when you're half asleep.

     I was fortunate that it didn't take long for me or Jr. to get the hang of it (because despite the fact that our bodies were made to do this, it's not something moms or babies know how to do right off the bat!) and I had minimal bleeding and scabbing. Sure, it hurt like heck for the first week or so but eventually all was well. 

    All this being said, now that Jr. is weaned and I have had a chance to reflect on the entire matter, I can see why some women prefer formula. I never got the hang of those cover ups women use while breastfeeding in public. My dad always said it reminded him of a burqua because mine had a little mesh piece for better viewing of the baby. I had trouble placing Jr. correctly at my breast while trying not to flash the entire room. Then, when she was finally latched, she would try to get the cover off her face, thereby showing my goods to everyone. It was frustrating, so whenever possible, I would find a room to myself and feed her openly. I was always impressed with my sisters who seemed to be able to use those things with no fuss.

    So then I would be sequestered from the rest of the people. It was lonely and boring. I remember my siblings came over for dinner one night and I was nursing Jr. in her room at the end of the hall. I could see everyone in the kitchen eating supper and I felt so...removed, like I was watching a movie or something.

    This is how I started weaning Jr. without even thinking about it. When we went out I would bring a bottle because I didn't feel like worrying about where I could nurse her and if it had to be in public, bringing the cover and dealing with that anxiety.

    I also had a lot of milk and it came down so fast my boobs actually hurt for a good 10 seconds. Jr, of course, couldn't handle all of this milk so quickly and would choke and cry and get very bad gas. I think, in retrospect, this was one reason why she was so miserable in those early months.

     I know these things are minor and each of them has a solution. But I don't blame anyone who would want to avoid them. Is breast really best if the mother resents it?

    Lots of mothers talk about breastfeeding as a special time between them and their child. I didn't experience this. Sure, it was super satisfying to be able to give Jr. what she needed. Sure, it gave me relief to hear her stop crying once she was at the breast. Yes, it was easier to nurse in the middle of the night. And while it may have been bonding time, it didn't feel like it. It felt like feeding time, something that needed to be done. So for the next one, I'm sure I'll breastfeed again but I won't feeling guilty about not having a special bonding feeling and not doing it until he/she is at least a year old.

But breastfeeding wasn't all bad... my nipples can take anything now!

From the movie Four Christmases:

Kate: Does that hurt? 

Suze: What, breast feeding? No. Maybe at first, but the nipples get tough. I can hardly feel mine anymore. 

You wanna flick one?