Memories

I still visit The Fussy Baby Site from time to time, even though Jr has come a long way. I can now smile or laugh when she's pulling a temper tantrum mostly because I'm getting a full night's sleep. But when I read the blog posts from moms who are in the middle of the dark, hard times or at the end of the very long tunnel and can finally see the light, I'm brought back to how hard it was.

April 9th, 2011

Last night was hard.

I was ready for bed at 8pm but Jr was not. I had a headache and I was so tired. I cried. Again. For the millionth time. Hubby was a God-send. He got her to sleep from 9pm to 12am. I felt so much better. She woke up at 3am and again at 4:30am but it was okay thanks to the previous 3 hours of sleep I got. 

April 13th, 2011

Last night was awful.

She didn't sleep until midnight and she wanted to be on the boob the entire time. I was already exhausted and by the end I was crying uncontrollably. I feel guilty because I was also more rough with her than I normally am. My patience wore out. I was very close to waking hubby up. She slept from 12am to 1am and then from 2am to 6:20am. I should have been ecstatic but I guess the previous night was still with me.

Things improved after that but took a nosedive a few months later.

July 25th, 2011

Lord, I can't do this without you. I can't be a good mother or a good wife. I'm drowning. I'm always tired. Only by your strength am I able to go on. I struggle to keep things going. Help me, Lord. I beg you. I've been crushed, forced to my knees. I've nowhere else to go, no one else to talk to. Please. I'm desperate. Help me be the mother, wife, person you want me to be. I need you. Amen.

I reread my journal entries throughout the first year of Jr's life and I marvel that I made it through. Then I read that other moms are currently going through the same thing and I want to reach out to them. Give them a hug. Tell them it will get better. Tell them they are not alone.

Hubby's cousin gave birth in February and our previous babysitter gave birth in May. I've told both of them that if they need to talk, I'm here, that I still remember how difficult those first few months could be. And I really meant it. I'm just not sure they believed the sincerity. Maybe they figured it was just something to say. Because so far neither of them has contacted me. Part of me wonders if everyone I personally know has had a better/easier experience than me. Was I the only one given such a difficult baby?? Or do they simply have someone else to talk to? More than anything, I pray that if they are going through hard times that they find someone to talk to. And while supportive family and friends are so important, sometimes you need someone who's been there to understand. Someone who's in the thick of it or at least someone who went through it not long ago.

I'm happy to report that Jr is sleeping through the night. Lately, it's been 7:30pm to 6am (a little early for us but can't complain too much). With every little bit of independence she achieves, she becomes that much happier. She is still a "fussy baby". If she's hungry, tired or refused something she wants, she'll throw a fit, she'll whine, she'll scream. But that's who she is. She's got a personality and she's not afraid to use it. I pray for patience, I pray for confidence in my mothering skills, I thank God for our blessings.