The Blahs, A Nursery and A Love Letter

Yesterday, despite the beautiful weather, wasn't such a great day. Curly texted me to say that Buddy had had a bad night and wouldn't be over before noon. I could sense she was stressed out so I offered to get together another day and she accepted. It really colored the rest of my day. I guess I didn't realize how much I had been looking forward to it. Also, I'm one of those people that gets competely thrown when plans change at the last minute. If it's something unpleasant or not on my list of favorite things to do, I need to psyche myself up for them. If it's something I really enjoy or am looking forward to, I get pretty down in the dumps. Sometimes I feel things too deeply even though I know it's not the end of the world.

Some good news: since Jr. was born I've been trying to create a nursery at church. You never notice the lack of baby facilities until you need them! There is no changing table anywhere and while I found a place to breastfeed, I'm sure most women wouldn't know where to find it unless someone told them. So we had found a room but then our new priest came and it was agreed that the room in question would remain a confession/chat room. Finally, we (the board of wardens) finally agreed on a space and since then I put an ad in the bulletin to ask the parishioners for donations. Happily, a fellow parishioner who is a daycare worker will be donating a diaper pail and rocking chair while another parishioner is donating a changing table. Hurray! I'm excited to clean the room (presently more of a storage area) and spruce it up a bit. I've seen one woman inconspicuously nurse her baby in the pew -- she's so subtle about it I doubt anyone has ever realized -- I'm excited to be able to tell her she can nurse in private. And then there's women like me who can never seem to get the hang of breastfeeding without flashing the entire world -- I'm sure they'll appreciate it too! Adjacent to the room is the old choir loft. We're talking about converting that into a kids' area where parents can go when their toddlers are being fussy or whatever and play. We just need to erect some plexiglass so no one falls or tries to pitch themselves over the ledge. I'm happy to be a part of something that will make some concrete changes for the better.

Dear Someone That Changed My Life,

My world has been turned upside down. Who I am has been fundamentally changed. I see you in other faces all the time. I think, What if that was you??? What would I do?? I didn't think it possible, but I worry more than I ever did before. The difference is that my anxiety isn't about me anymore.

While some part of myself is gone, a new and stronger part has taken its place. You make me a better person. There have been many times when I thought I didn't have any more to give and then I surprised myself and gave some more. You brought that out in me.

Sometimes I miss the simplicity of the life I had. I miss waking up whenever I wanted. Going to see a late movie in the middle of the week. Having sex wherever and whenever we felt like it. Not thinking about mealtimes, naptimes, bathtimes, bedtimes. 

I don't say this to brag or to make you feel bad: when it comes to you my selflessness knows almost no bounds. I have sacrificed myself on the altar of motherhood many times over and I know I will continue to do so until my dying days. This is not a complaint and I don't mean to sound like a martyr. This is merely a testament of my love for you and the stark reality of what being a parent is about.

Please remember: sacrifice isn't always a bad thing and in your case, I would do it all over again if given the chance.

It hasn't even been a year that we've been together and I know that many things will change in the coming years. The one thing that won't change is my love for you.

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy