Hold Fast

     When I started this blog it was because I wanted to try to get into freelance writing. When I researched how to get started, I read that having your work on the web was one of the most important factors since pretty much everything is done online these days. Prospective clients need to be able to easily find your work and having a blog was one way to do this. I had avoided blogging up until this point for various reasons. I wasn't sure I could keep it going, that it wasn't going to be some short-lived phase. I wasn't sure I could write on the fine line of personal but not too personal (which people have told me I've overstepped from time to time). And I wasn't sure why I should write or why anyone should care to read what I've written. Getting a job seemed like a good reason, though, so I did it.

    A few months have passed and I am no closer to becoming a freelance writer. I've also met with an editor who showed me the ropes working freelance. These are both things I want to do and I can see myself doing in the future. But I've come to the conclusion that right now, in this moment, it's not going to happen. I can't believe how busy I've become. Or at least, how busy life feels. I wake up at 8am and somehow it's 10pm before I know it. I work part-time for my dad, I volunteer my time at church, I try to maintain a passably clean home, I do the grocery shopping, I go to Aqua Stroller and Child Development and oh yeah, there's that little thing of raising a human being!

     I met with the deacon yesterday to discuss what activities we were going to offer the parish and when. Afterward we chatted a bit about life. He asked me how things were going with Jr. and I said that things were getting easier, that I finally felt like I was starting to be myself again. He said, "But being a mother is a part of who you are now too." I struggled answering this as I've been struggling to accept motherhood. 

     Part of my difficulty being a mom is selflessness. I think I've near mastered the physical selflessness: waking up multiple times a night, holding a screaming baby, tending to her needs before my own... But the psychological selflessness is different. Accepting that there are things I want to do but can't do the exact moment I want to do them. Anything from going clothes shopping to starting my own freelance editing and/or writing business. It's accepting that right now, in this moment, life is not about me. Accepting the fact that for now days will be filled with singing goofy songs, reading books with pictures, wiping up messes and sometimes tears, while everything else comes second. It's like my mom told me once, "Wait. Your time will come."

     That doesn't mean I'm not doing stuff for myself. I make sure to get reading time in. I make sure to get my shower everyday. I try to go to every meeting at church I can (this week I went to 3!). I recognize the need to recharge my batteries!

     Anywho, all this to say that I've come to terms with the fact that my plans have been put on the back burner-- for now.

    Hi. My name is Melissa and I'm a mother.