Day Seventeen: My Highs and Lows of This Past Year
Interestingly enough, both my highs and lows are wrapped up in one person: my daughter. My husband and I began trying to conceive three years after we got married. One unsuccessful year later, we turned to a fertility specialist and discovered that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). This means I have multiple cysts on my ovaries, disrupting the regular release of eggs. No eggs to be fertilized, no pregnancy, no baby. It was heartbreaking. I thought all sorts of crazy stuff, like maybe my hubby and I weren't meant to be together if we couldn't make a baby. Or that there was something wrong with me on a deeper level. Maybe God was trying to say I wasn't meant to be a mom because I wouldn't be good at it. The Devil's whispered lies.
I was prescribed medication in order to help my body produce and release an egg each month. On the second round of medication, we conceived. My husband and I were thrilled. At last, we would be having a baby! My sister gave me a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, which had been passed down to her from our sister-in-law. I read ahead because I was too excited to wait until I reached that stage in the pregnancy. Each appointment with my obstetrician, no matter how brief, made me giddy. I pressed my hands on my abdomen, searching for that firm little mound that was my baby. I waited anxiously for the first kick. When we watched the baby move on the ultrasound at twenty weeks, I was overwhelmed with emotion. We were having a little girl! As the months passed the backaches were difficult (I had to wear something akin to a back brace - so sexy!), the near-constant need to pee annoying (we couldn't go anywhere for more than 2 hours unless there was a bathroom nearby) and the lack of sleep tiring (I Just. Couldn't. Get. COMFORTABLE!), but I couldn’t wait to meet my little girl. And then one day, it happened. One morning I awoke with contractions and that night our baby was born. She had lots of black hair! She had her father’s nose! She was here!
She was here. I have never been so tired in all my life. In the first ten days after she was born, I cried more than I cried in the two and a half years it took me to complete my Masters degree. Being a mother has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The most selfless. I remember thinking to myself, No one told me it was going to be like this! When I mentioned this to my sister who already has two kids she said, ‘I did! I did! You weren’t listening!’ Which is true. Whenever I talk about the difficulties of having a baby my baby-free friends, they listen but I don’t think they’re really hearing me, just like I wasn't hearing my sister. I feel like shaking them. ‘You don’t understand! It’s SO HARD!’ But I suppose the human race would eventually go extinct if everyone listened to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I can’t imagine my life without her. But I often mourn my old life; less and less as time passes I admit, but nevertheless I do. I miss sleeping in – actually, I miss any type of sleep with more than 4 consecutive hours. I miss my sex life. I miss the relationship my husband and I had. It’s not bad now, just different. I miss interruption-free dinners. I miss my freedom.
And yet the amazing thing is, no matter how tired I am, no matter how impatient and grouchy I am, no matter if I think to myself, I can’t get up in the middle of the night one more time, I do. When I think I can’t muster up the energy, I do. When I think I can’t find the patience, I find it. When I think I’m going to lose my mind, I make it through the next minute. And the next. And the next.
Being a mom has helped me see myself and other moms in a new light. We’re pretty amazing. I wouldn’t go so far as to say resilient but pretty close. Despite everything and all my complaints, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Our baby brings joy to my life and she’s made me a better person. I never knew I could be this person. I never knew she existed until now. You never know what you’re capable of until you put yourself to the test and nothing puts you to the test like having a baby!
She was here. I have never been so tired in all my life. In the first ten days after she was born, I cried more than I cried in the two and a half years it took me to complete my Masters degree. Being a mother has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The most selfless. I remember thinking to myself, No one told me it was going to be like this! When I mentioned this to my sister who already has two kids she said, ‘I did! I did! You weren’t listening!’ Which is true. Whenever I talk about the difficulties of having a baby my baby-free friends, they listen but I don’t think they’re really hearing me, just like I wasn't hearing my sister. I feel like shaking them. ‘You don’t understand! It’s SO HARD!’ But I suppose the human race would eventually go extinct if everyone listened to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I can’t imagine my life without her. But I often mourn my old life; less and less as time passes I admit, but nevertheless I do. I miss sleeping in – actually, I miss any type of sleep with more than 4 consecutive hours. I miss my sex life. I miss the relationship my husband and I had. It’s not bad now, just different. I miss interruption-free dinners. I miss my freedom.
And yet the amazing thing is, no matter how tired I am, no matter how impatient and grouchy I am, no matter if I think to myself, I can’t get up in the middle of the night one more time, I do. When I think I can’t muster up the energy, I do. When I think I can’t find the patience, I find it. When I think I’m going to lose my mind, I make it through the next minute. And the next. And the next.
Being a mom has helped me see myself and other moms in a new light. We’re pretty amazing. I wouldn’t go so far as to say resilient but pretty close. Despite everything and all my complaints, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Our baby brings joy to my life and she’s made me a better person. I never knew I could be this person. I never knew she existed until now. You never know what you’re capable of until you put yourself to the test and nothing puts you to the test like having a baby!
No comments:
Post a Comment
I'm all ears!