I am a worrier. I think I was born that way. It takes me a good 15-30 minutes to fall asleep at night because I go through everything that happened that day. I think about how I responded to any given situation. I think about how I wish I would have responded. I think about what might happen tomorrow. When it's really bad, I pull out my journal and jot down what's bugging me along with a solution. If there's no immediate solution or if it's something that can never be resolved, I write down encouraging words to myself.
Rereading that paragraph makes me think I'm kinda nuts! Sometimes I know I go a bit too far but I don't think my anxiety is something I can ever completely get rid of. It's a part of who I am. I used to think it was a character flaw, that there was something wrong with me. Just the name, "Worrywart", has a negative connotation. I mean, a wart is gross; it's a fungus for goodness sake!
Thankfully, someone told me that the world needs worriers. She told me to think of it in battle terms. Worriers are like the strategists of battles. They think of the "what ifs", the strengths and weaknesses of the army, as well as that of the enemy. They would never be the ones to actually be in the battle, never mind being in the vanguard, which is the front line of any military formation and thus the most dangerous. Some might say this would be cowardice but I disagree. You need those who refrain from rushing into things headfirst.
So instead of thinking of myself as a worrywart, I'd like to think of myself as a worry-warrior.
My mom also said that this passage from the bible made her think of me: "But Mary treasured all these things up and pondered them in her heart" (Lk 2:9). This is when Jesus is born and the shepherds, after having seen and heard a host of angels glorifying God, go to the manger to meet Jesus and tell Mary and Joseph what had happened to them. I know my mom isn't saying I'm like the Mother of God but that I ponder things in my heart. It's rarely in one ear and out the other. It's a long trek before something leaves my mind and some things stay with me forever.
Such different women. So I am a warrior or Theotokos? Somewhere in between, I think.
I know how you feel. I worry about stuff constantly. Most of the time I hide this worry by hiding my head in the sand and refusing to act, even if it will kick me in the butt later. Sometimes I act like I jerk to ward off the worry, and other times I camoeflauge it in the guise of "thinking" my way around a problem. Maybe this surprises you, maybe it dosent. All I can say is I'm tired of the stress, so I choose to face my worries head on, to stand up against them with courage. I try to be like Leonidas the Spartan warrior, the few against many, standing my ground in the face of fear. Why? Because when I die I dont want to do so with regret in my heart. I want to know I lived my life to the fullest, and that fear dosent control me. Being a hero dosent mean to not worry or be afraid, it means to stand up and do the right thing even if it seems hopless, or scary. So has my fears and worries gone away? A little, but every day it gets a little better, and I know it can for you too. Your stronger than you give yourself credit for, and sometimes you can even surprise yourself when you conquer your personal demons. I have faith in you, and thanks for the great blog post. Madness!?! This...Is...Sparta!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I have faith in you too.
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